My wish: That every day is Valentine Day

My wish: That every day is Valentine Day

In the midst of the post-election violence plaguing Kenya, Constable Andrew Maoche found the strength to contribute to the mayhem by shooting on January 31, 2008 David Kimutai Too, the newly elected parliamentarian from the Orange Democratic Party (ODM) in Eldoret. Unlike the first killing of an ODM legislator in Nairobi, allegedly by thugs, this was explained as a fight over a woman, a love culture, police even in Tanzania are notoriously known to practice when settling their love woes.

Apparently, the late David Kimutai Too had overpowered Constable Andrew Maoche’s attempts towards winning the love of a female traffic officer, one Eunice Chepkwony, in what is now described as a love triangle (undoubtedly to imply some ill intent on the part of the woman, the object of their sorry advances). While Constable Andrew Maoche is presently behind bars, David Kimutai Too is safely interred, ironically with Ms. Chepkwony who was also shot that fateful morning. I find this whole incident very symbolic and want to use it as the basis for my subject this week: love.

I feel compelled to speak about love for two main reasons. First it is because of the controversy that Valentine Day increasingly causes globally: Only recently Saudi Arabia banned any Valentine celebrations in the Kingdom. I wonder if it is because of religious considerations or a deeper unwillingness to address its significance. I also know that nationally there are raging debates about observing Valentine less so because it has become a money spinning scheme and less so on account of its significance in our human relationships with those we are most intimate with. I ‘zoom’ on love because it is subject, or rather a condition that causes many of us much distress, heartache and heartbreak as soulfully stated by Tina Turner, and thus warrants serious exploration.
Love, this mysterious word, used sparingly after a relationship has been formalized, but abundantly when it is just sparkling and we are still in hot pursuit of that which makes the heart flicker. Love, a word that is used to explain a range of emotions and feelings but at the same time a word that is used to justify a range of actions and indiscretions. Love, a word so potent in effect that it can cure chronic problems and conditions- heath or otherwise- but prove equally fatal.

So what is this condition termed love? In my feminist engagement I have found it more helpful to work from what it is not or at least should not be about, rather than make assumptions or conclusion about what it is. My shemeji (brother in law) once complained to me about how my sister would not listen to him and his wishes. His particular grievance was that she failed to cover herself when going out of the house causing him much anxiety and pain. I must admit such a complaint was beyond any expectation I had and more so considering that this was a man who was educated and had met my sister at college. Careful not to take a position on their relationship and respecting the fact that my sister, much as she is someone’s wife, is also an adult who is free to decide and exercise choices she thinks prudent, I asked him, “How did she dress like when you met her and why is it an issue now?”

I knew that he could not claim otherwise as, although she dressed modestly by common persons’ standard, she was not in the habit of covering as has recently become fashionable. In truth, I am at loss at people who meet others in particular circumstances and then feel that their love interest needs to magically transform once they pair with them, to fit the image he or she had of them. Thus, you will hear many women claim defiantly, “I will change him, you will see”. Likewise, you will hear men boast, “If you are my girl/wife you would not …” The audacity by which such demands or claims are made cannot, and should not, be remotely associated or interpreted as motivated by love. Doing so is not only misguided but selfish.

Listening to my shemeji make such demands so early in the relationship nudged me to facilitate a soul searching encounter where I helped him assess what he envisions from the relationship, a vision that would not only be about what his expectations are but also about what her expectations are. For example although her parents went through great pain to educate her in the hope that she would assist in educating her younger siblings, she was now a home-bound wife dependent on his mercy for “spare change” he would periodically give to her, and which she would pass on to her retired parents. But unlike him, she was not complaining perhaps being deeply in love wanted to please her habibi/hababi.
My philosophy, which I shared with him, was to love freely without expectation, condition or obligation (in the sense of compulsion or feeling the other owes you a debt). Love is not just about the butterflies and the giggly feeling we have when we remember the name and the face that makes us glow inside and sing off-key without a care; it is also about tolerating and even respecting the individual traits that make the other so attractive and ultimately delightful to us. Surely, love should not primarily be about changing another to your image: If you want an image of yourself, by all means go and clone yourself! But if it is another that you love, then you have to be willing to accept their imperfections and their differences- not just physical but also intellectual- as being integral to their identity just as it is integral to the soundness of the relationship. You love another for whom they are and for what they make you to be (which hopefully is empowering and happy) and achieve. Perhaps more of us need to appreciate that if love is about giving then it is also about receiving, not just taking.

This said, I should not be understood to preach that couples should not be in the habit of negotiating a relationship. Or that you take any bull--- on the pretext of applying Salma’s philosophy such that you end up like Mary J Blige in ‘Not going to cry’! La hasha. I believe that healthy (not necessarily long lasting) relationships are negotiated and not left to chance. It does not matter that you are dangerously attracted to another. It is important that you and the other must have minimums upon which you build your relationship. These minimums act as the core values of sorts which, I think, are indispensable to building trust and respect in the relationship. Unfortunately, may of us don’t want to waste valuable lust time on these basics. Others fear that establishing them may be interpreted as being too difficult, too choosy, too demanding or too untrusting in the powers of love. After all love leaves us powerless, helpless, defenseless and all traits that signal our unwillingness to take responsibility for such an important aspect not only of our romantic selves but also of our ability to experience life to its richest.

I strongly beg to differ dominant and skewed notions of what ‘love is’ and do so on the basis of accumulated experience of examining the foundation building romantic, and even platonic, relationships I see around me. It is not that love should not or could not have a potential for reward. Rather, the wisdom of love should make us realize that just as I give to a relationship, freely and in appreciation of what my other deserves from me (in recognition to what they mean to me), the only expectation I have is –given that the basis of our relationship is healthy and free- they would seek, in their peculiar way, to appreciate me in a deserving manner.

Thus, it is not about keeping score of how much each has invested (or failed to) in kind but to be confident enough that a strong sense of mutuality reigns in how we express, each in our unique way, love.
Undoubtedly, Constable Maoche’s actions are not unfamiliar to many of us. We witness or hear of them daily. Many of us think kulazimisha (force, compel or hold at ransom) is to love. Just as some of us are busy trying to change another soul to fit an image we want, many more are busy trying to meet the expectations of others in who we choose to love. I remember when I was at the Hill a colleague bold enough to present his paper to me, as we called a love declaration or proposal then, reasoned, “Can you imagine, Salma, if I am seen with you!”, a statement that cost him dearly not because of its sincerity but because of what motivated his advance: I was now a prize to be shown-off!

Alas, many relationships remain that- shows for the benefit of others. You won’t leave an abusive partner for fear of what others may think or say. You won’t date someone who makes you feel so good and alive because of what others may think or say because it is not what would be expected of you. And, although you love and accept your partner as they are, you may feel compelled to pressure them into changing to fit the expectations of others e.g. your parents or friends or Lord forbid, your boss... We thus enter into relationships full of show and pretense of who we are, scared to show and be who we really are. Then you wonder why you wake up one day and ask yourself- who in the heck is this person sleeping next to me, whose face I am looking into but I can’t seem to see or feel?

Although I write for the romantics and the foolhardy in love, I think this philosophy of love applies to other types of relationships we have with others. My description of love in form, substance and feeling is captured in Chaka Khan’s timeless My funny Valentine. It is a song of few lyrics but with powerful effect. It captures love that is expressed selflessly, with surrender. Ultimately, love is about a freedom that allows one to bask from and in the radiance and energy of another. It is the freedom to find pleasure even in that which others may find amusing without a care in the world. It is appreciating that each one of us, as are our experiences, are unique, aspects that make us whole and endearing to one another. It is about finding oneself in the spirit of another and appreciating that what you reflect in terms of feeling towards the other is in most cases the feeling you have towards yourself.
I share of the priceless sonnets that delight me so much with the hope that those who own the copyright would indulge me in this rare act of chivalry to human kind motivated by a need to advocate for sensible and compassionate romanticism on this Valentine Day:

My funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine,
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable, Unphotographable
Yet, you are my favourite work of art
….
Don’t baby, don’t change your hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little Valentine, baby stay (undoubtedly remain they way you are)
Each day is Valentine, each day is Valentine’s Day

Therefore, I don’t see why love is allowed to become ugly, violent, cruel, debasing, dispiriting, possessive, consuming and hurtful. Why can’t it instead be liberating and all the synonyms that go with the word i.e. beneficial, healing, energizing, invigorating, therapeutic, cathartic and whatever else that makes us glow and grow when we have been blessed to find and experience it? May I wish you, and those you love, eternal Valentine.

*Salma Mlidi is a political activist.

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