How to end domestic violence

Violence is integral to our current world. The global war on terrorism, vicious wars in Latin America, in Africa, Asia and Europe have prevailed in much of the 20th century. Whilst war is the public face of violence that is waged for ostensibly ‘good’ causes (that is, the concept of the ‘just war’ and the recent NATO fig-leaf of ‘responsibility to protect’), the violence that is perpetrated within households is hidden, tolerated, silent and oftentimes taboo in many societies around the world. The central questions are: why do some men (and a minority of women, particularly in the developed countries) perpetrate violence against their spouses? What are the causes of domestic violence? How can it be eradicated? This commendable book provides the answers to these critical questions.

Domestic violence is a microcosm of the brutalizing would we live in and the perspective Luke Daniels brings to this highly important issue is one that is not only holistic but thoroughly political (that is, about power and where power lies and ought to lie) and politicized in that it connects the issue to much wider societal issues of subordination and the necessity for liberation to free both men and women. He combines a profound understanding of the origins of domestic violence to the larger oppressive societal values of ‘might is right’ and that ‘a man’s home is his castle’, as well as the patriarchal structures of society, sexism and socialisation.

Domestic violence perpetrated by men occurs in many countries, from the developing countries of Latin America, Africa and Asia to the developed countries of the Middle East, the US and Europe. Written as a self-help manual, Daniels’ book is presented in a highly accessible and personalized style. He writes with enormous empathy, compassion and integrity as a former perpetrator of domestic violence. He is candid in sharing some of his personal experiences with the reader. Such experiences are cogently and usefully weaved in the book and therefore he is highly qualified as a result of such past experiences to counsel perpetrators.

The book is structured into six chapters: The roots of domestic violence; Men’s liberation; Women’s liberation; Giving up addictions; Parenting for change and Building loving relationships. As an interactive manual to be used in counselling sessions, each of the six chapters provides practical exercises for the reader to engage in and the author stresses the importance of engagement in these tasks for confronting the deep-seated behavioural responses, attitudes, values and expectations that are often rooted in negative past experiences of perpetrators.

In the first chapter, the author defines the manifestations of domestic violence as physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and financial abuse that is demonstrated in attitudes and actions inside the home or outside of it on children by women or men or someone closely involved in the family; that is, an uncle or nephew or grandparent. He places the domestic relationship within the wider context of society by asserting that: ‘If our leaders continue to rely on wars to settle political differences, men will always be socialised to be violent. Real solutions involve outlawing all forms of violence and teaching an ethos of non-violence’ (p. 54). For Daniels the root causes of domestic violence lie in perpetrators themselves having experienced violence in their childhood; sexist attitudes and learnt control patterns that require unlearning as well as a recognition of the ‘triggers’ that initiate violent action. However, he insists that ‘making the decision to give up controlling behaviour will help eliminate the trigger’ (59).

In Chapter Two, the author argues that men are also oppressed despite the fact that they do not like to think of themselves as victims as it undermines their self-image of being superior to women. The reality is that men control the major institutions in our society: the government, army, police and law systems and therefore they are simultaneously oppressed and oppressor. Moreover, men have also internalised their oppressive behaviours, values and stereotypes. ‘The socialisation for violence is what makes war possible; there would be no wars if men refused to fight,’ writes Daniels (p. 84). Furthermore, ‘the states’ dependence on men being prepared to fight is one reason why the socialisation for violence is one of the most important factors in the oppression of women’ (p. 84).

Whilst he discusses how war impacts negatively on children and draws on Iraq where thousands of children have been orphaned by war and witnessed the brutalities of war, there is the omission of the devastating wars that have raged in Africa, particularly Liberia, Sierra Leone, Uganda, Burundi, Rwanda, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Somali where child soldiers, involving young boys alongside adult men, have carried out acts of shocking violence. Similarly, the author mentions how women have been affected by war in Kosovo, yet examples of women in the aforementioned African countries give shocking examples of how rape has been used in many political conflicts all over the continent.

The book is a springboard for inter-cultural and cross-cultural discourse on how healing from violence – whether domestic violence or the outcome of political warfare – must deal with the damaged bodies, scarred minds of men, boys, women and girls who have survived amputation or rape, or have been the perpetrators of such crimes in many societies around the world.

In Chapter Three which examines women’s liberation, the author contends that ‘defeating patriarchy will require fighting at both the personal and political levels’ (p.105). The deeply rooted ideas of sexism that both men and women have been conditioned since birth and through deep-seated cultural values to accept as the natural order of things is pervasive and often unnoticed and unchallenged in many societies. The author believes that understanding how sexism works (how it operates in use of language, subtle behaviours and not so subtle language; that is, the derogatory language used to describe women) is important in defeating the oppression of both women and men.

In the fourth chapter, Giving up addictions, the author challenges the perpetrators of domestic violence to confront addictions that are often a root cause or contributory factor in their violent behaviour. Addiction to drugs such as alcohol, cannabis, gambling etc is often symptomatic of the unhappiness and dissatisfaction that perpetrators harbour. Therefore the issue of addiction – particularly, giving up such addictions - must be integral to the awareness-raising and altering of thought patterns and negative actions that trigger violence.

Chapter Five, Parenting for change, is very important as it addresses the question of how the cycle of violence can be broken. For Daniels it lies in a conscious engagement with how children are brought up as well as perpetrators confronting the fact that they are most likely to have been hit as children. It is also about cultures allowing boys to show and learning to in order to be in tune with their emotions. Not doing so transmits messages to boys (and girls) that tears are for girls and women and a sign of both weakness and inferiority.

The final chapter looks at how new relationships built on genuine love can be built and sustained. In terms of who would benefit from this book, it is certainly the case that perpetrators who are committed to seeking to change their behaviour, counsellors in women’s organisations and other health professionals – those dealing with alcohol or drug addiction for example –will find it a rich resource. Governments, institutions and civil society organisations, grassroots community organisations genuinely committed to eliminating the vice can do so through the strategies and approaches examined in this important book.

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* ‘Pulling the punches: Defeating domestic violence’ by Luke Daniels is published by BogleL’Ouverture Press, 2009.
* Dr Ama Biney is a pan-Africanist and historian living in the United Kingdom.
* Please send comments to editor[at]pambazuka[dot]org or comment online at Pambazuka News.