Possibly the most dangerous pamphlet to come out of Nigeria, this is the definitive manual of how to hoodwink citizens or ‘Mugus’ (people who fall for a scam), take the elections and stay in power. It’s one thing to have a secret manual for the Nigerian rulers, but quite another to have one that provides the recipe for class rule by the rogues and rascals that roam the rest of the continent. This short pamphlet should have been banned long ago.

Inadvertently left in the toilet of a plane approaching Abuja airport, the manual was likely to have been penned by a Nigerian godfather who has long practiced the arts described within. It presents the ten commandments in a precise and unashamed way. Loath though I am to promote these commandments, I feel I can only explain their perilous nature through a brief summary.

First, the manual urges, don’t hit the big people, hit the little ones. Why? ‘Last year, 19 billion dollars entered the federal account of 140 million Nigerians. Go and multiply that. …The year before they budgeted 4 trillion Naira to take care of this same 140 million little people. … Your job as a politician is to position yourself between that money and the 140 million mugus that own it.’

Next, clinch the nomination: Find the biggest party, find its godfather, and over six or so months make sure you become one of the top five donors at every relative’s birthday, naming ceremony, graduations and so on. If you share enough of the contents of your Ghana-mus’-go bags, and perhaps even carry out some heinous crime on his behalf, your godfather is sure to notice you.

Once you are the candidate of the right party, you need to win the elections. You should start ‘wetting all the ground around you’. Think ahead, and befriend with generous contributions those at the top echelons of power. But so long as you have chosen the right party, you can’t really lose.

Giving your victory speech is key, but be careful not to mention your godfather. The way to thank him is to make sure that you provide every weekend a share of your Ghana-mus’-go bag.

Then there is advice on eating the money (eating well, but don't be greedy); how to deal with things when the Naija Mugus get angry; and if that doesn’t work, how to apply shock therapy: ‘A very reliable shock therapy is The Serious Fuel Shortage. It has saved so many Nigerian governments, you won’t believe it.’ But staying in power needs additional tools: The manual takes you through how to play the ethnic card, dropping the ethnic firebomb, and finally how to manage the occasional, and inevitable, police problem.

This is essential reading for all activists (and it's available for free – just don't tell anyone). Some of you may burst your seams laughing, but don’t be fooled: this isn't just a bit of humour. Make sure that none of your aspiring rulers gets hold of this manual. The consequences could be dire – we’ll all be Nigerians then.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PAMBAZUKA NEWS

* The ten commandments of Nigerian politics (or how to hook the Naija Mugu) by Chuma Nwokolo is available for free from Chuma Nwokolo’s website.
* Firoze Manji is editor-in-chief of Pambazuka News.
* Please send comments to [email protected] or comment online at Pambazuka News.