16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence

South Africa: Without a home of my own - I Stories

2007-12-14

http://pambazuka.org/en/category/16days/45015

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I started living with my husband in 1984, and we were in love and were very happy. The problem started after we got married in 2004 when he became ill. In 2005 he started beating me and forcing me to have sex with him even when I told him I was not well. He accused me of having another man, and hit me so hard that I ended up at the clinic to get help for my husband. Indeed they did not help me for they wrote me a referral letter to take him to Baragwanath Hospital.
Without a home of my own

Cindy Ndlovu,* South Africa

I started living with my husband in 1984, and we were in love and were very happy. The problem started after we got married in 2004 when he became ill. In 2005 he started beating me and forcing me to have sex with him even when I told him I was not well. He accused me of having another man, and hit me so hard that I ended up at the clinic to get help for my husband. Indeed they did not help me for they wrote me a referral letter to take him to Baragwanath Hospital.

He stayed in hospital for a whole month because they suspected that he was losing his mind. He was hitting children for no apparent reason and hiding food, saying the children must not eat because they are wasteful, he even locked the food away. When we asked for food he fought and chased us outside.

I found myself a job but he refused to let me work because he said I had an affair. He came with policemen to my place of employment, when I asked what I had done the police just said to me: “Get inside the van we will speak at the police station”. When we arrived at the station he said he wanted the policemen to talk to us because I disrespect him at home. When I came home I found he had hidden all my belongings including my identity document, marriage certificate and the house documents.

I asked the police to ask him to give me my documents. He returned them. The police suggested he go for another medical evaluation. At the hospital the doctors said he was epileptic and I should just get used to his behaviour. He only behaved that way with family no one else. I am confused: is he really ill or just being very abusive?

I do not have anyone to rely on that is why I stay in this abusive situation because of my children as well. My mother separated from my father when we were still young, my grandmother and my uncles brought me up. My mother worked as a domestic worker. When my grandmother passed away, we had nowhere to go.

At this time my mother was married to a man who was kind to us, never discriminated against us and allowed us to stay with them at his house. The problem came when he also passed away, there were misunderstandings amongst his children and we had to go stay with my mother’s aunt. Even there life was not good, as we had to fend for ourselves.

That is why I am in my marriage, because this marriage has lasted even when things were not right, I have nowhere to go. My husband has a daughter from another woman. He lied to me and told me that the child’s grandmother asked him to take her, as her mother does not provide anything and I agreed because I felt the child is innocent.

The child was only three years old then. Our relationship with the child was not a good one, she did things that broke my heart but I told myself that I will continue raising her. Out of spite, she would put her excretion under the pillows. When I asked why she did that she just stared at me. Today she is 20 years old and carries on with this strange behaviour.

My life is becoming more difficult, I can feel the brunt of not having your own home because if I had a home and family that protects me I would not withstand all this abuse. I know that Social Workers do their work because I went to them and they referred me to NISAA where I got help. I am thankful to NISAA because at least things are better even if the situation is not as I would like it to be.

I am unemployed together with my husband; we do not have food because there is no one who is assisting us. I have a young child of 11 years and a daughter who is married. She lives in shack somewhere with her husband and wants nothing to do with us. I am emotionally drained. Even now I know that my HIV positive step daughter will become my responsibility when she gets ill.

Ever since I came to this workshop I fell empowered, I can speak up against abuse. I am able to tell my husband to stop abusing my children and me. Recently my husband ordered our 11-year-old son to make our bed. He wakes up late, long after I leave. I feel my child should be protected from such things and told my husband to leave our son alone.


* not her real name

* This story is part of the I Stories series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence